Milk and Madness

For me it was also a slightly strategic move, which was also the same with not even finding out the gender because I knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as we found out the gender.

Myself and probably family would have gone a little bit crazy and gone out and bought Everything under the sun in that particular colors gender disappointment you know, Is a legit issue. And I think if you're really, really, like you really want a boy or a girl, then you're putting yourself out there for that disappointment and to have it public as well at a gender reveal party.

Hello, friends. Welcome back to another episode of the Milk and Madness podcast, your virtual parents group, where we explore parenthood one episode at a time. I'm your host, Dee and I'm your host Nhi. And today we're looking at another topic in the yay or nay series. Gender reveal parties. Mm hmm. Hmm. I feel like gender reveal parties are gaining popularity here in Australia and I think it's quite divisive.

What are your thoughts? Are you yay or nay? Hmm, okay, so For me, personally And for Matthew, my husband, we are a definite no. So we're a nay for it. Um, but for other people, you know, if you want to do it, go for it. So for me personally, it's no, it's a nay, but for other people, yes. If you want to do it, Go for your life.

Absolutely. How about you? Yeah, I'm the same. I am definitely the sort of friend that will go to all the parties, that will go to all the baby showers, all that sort of stuff. But I don't like doing those things myself personally. Um, I didn't have a baby shower. I didn't, you know, Even have a wedding for heaven's sakes.

I eloped, like all that stuff does not interest me. And that includes gender reveal parties. And also on top of that, I didn't actually find out the sex of both my children until I gave birth. So I couldn't have had one, even if I wanted to, um, but I do enjoy going to them. I think they are a lot of fun. But , I can't deal with the organization and the cost is it safe to assume that you didn't have a gender reveal party? We did not have a gender reveal party. We did have a baby shower, but it was very low key. Um, super chilled, it was more just an excuse to have friends over. Um, I had my cafe at that time, so I had a venue and you know, we just had some cakes and I had an excuse of some girlfriends who were interstate to come to Melbourne and it was super chilled.

Like it was, there was no fancy theme or, you know, lots of balloons. I spent, I've spent zero on it. Really. Um, we had some cakes from the cafe and it was, yeah, it was just people sitting around chatting. Probably not even about baby stuff to be honest. Um, yeah. Was there any baby games? I don't recall. Look, it's been a while ago now.

So there may have been some games, but I don't think so. We are similar to you um, and Calvin, I think in regards to like, I love to go to anyone else's party and I will help you organize whatever it is that you want to do. Um, and I'll be the person cheering the loudest and I'll be the one who's dancing all night, but I would much rather it not be about me.

And we had a wedding and originally it was going to be really tiny, like really small. Then, you know, it just gets legs and it just grows and then mom's inviting like three tables worth of people. But, um, yeah, so it ended up being really big, our wedding, or big for me. Um, in terms of like Asian terms, if you think about like the rest of my family and the size of their weddings, it wasn't big, it was quite tiny.

Um, but it was a really lovely day. The worst part of it though, was me literally walking down the aisle and everyone having their eyes on me. It was horrific. I hated it so much so much like just, it was, I think about it now. And it's like one of the pieces of advice I tell my girlfriends when they asked me about organizing a wedding, I say, look, do it the way you want, because there are some things that I changed because you just not, not so much pressure, but it grows as you're planning it.

And I always tell them, you know, if you don't want to do this, if you don't want to have a cake, just don't do it. And yeah, so we would never even considered having a gender reveal party. It was not, it was just not something we even thought of doing. Yeah, same. I, like I said, I avoid everything like the plague because I just, I don't like the attention and I think for me it was also a slightly strategic move, which was also the same with not even finding out the gender because I knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as we found out the gender.

Myself and probably family would have gone a little bit crazy and gone out and bought Everything under the sun in that particular gender colors and all those sort of things. So I did it slightly strategic, and anything that we did receive as gifts was gender neutral, which worked a treat, having a boy and now a girl, obviously I didn't know that at the time, uh, that I was going to have one of each, but it worked a treat because Amelia gets to wear everything that Aidan wore as a baby.

And even now, like, I still try to buy gender neutral clothes so that I can pass it down to her, um, because clothes are expensive. Kid things are expensive. So, and I don't really understand why it needs to be pink and why it needs to be blue. Like, why can't it be green and yellow and red and just, I mean, I don't care if it's pink.

I don't care if it's blue. Aiden's favorite color is pink at the minute. Um, um, But yeah, I just didn't want anyone to go like overboard crazy and make it so specific. Um, and so that's why I kind of didn't even figure out the gender as well. Um, so for me, the gender reveal was giving birth.

It was like a, another little Something enticing me to get through the labor and get through that experience knowing that, you know, something was going to come. Obviously, the baby was coming at the end of it anyway, but just a little, little something extra. Um, but I do see how fun it is. And I do see when the parents don't know and somebody finds out, like, it gets put in an envelope and somebody goes and orders a cake and then the parents find out as well and amongst their family and friends.

It's like, it's really special. It's really special sort of experience to share with your family and friends. The only time that I think, you know, it goes a bit poorly When one or both parents are expecting a particular sex, and then it's not that sex, um, that's when I'm like, that's a little bit unfortunate because the baby has no control over what sex they are.

And then, you know, if you have it in your heart that you want a boy and it ends up being a girl, you want a girl and it ends up being a boy, it's a little bit disappointing, but I guess that's what would have happened anyway, right? They have the child and it comes out what they weren't expecting in their minds, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, um, So, you touched on a few things. Firstly, Matt and I found out the sex the second we could and we weren't It wasn't a secret, like, yeah, sure, we're having boys. Yep, here you go. You know, everyone's like, oh, what sex are you having? Oh, it's a boy. And we're calling him this the people are like, oh wow,

Um, yeah, we were really. We never considered the gender reveal party and we never considered not finding out the sex straight away.

Um, I don't think we were overly organized or anything. It's not like we bought heaps of boy clothes or anything like that. Like, I think we were just, I think we were very chilled about it, actually, on reflection. Um, we were excited about having a kid and that was, The focus didn't care about the sex.

Um, other people were probably more excited about the sex. I don't know. It's, it's, it's really interesting. Um, we wanted that time to think about the name. So, you know, I think knowing, you know, for most of my pregnancy that we would have a boy gave us a lot of time to think about names and, um, to really decide if it was a name that we liked and we had a few options and then, you know, you see the baby, like Yes, that's a Kenzo or that's a, you know, an Ambrose.

Um, I think the thing that you said in terms of the, the gender disappointment you know, Is a legit issue. And I think if you're really, really, like you really want a boy or a girl, then you're putting yourself out there for that disappointment and to have it public as well at a gender reveal party.

So maybe that's something to consider. If you really want, if you strongly want a boy or a girl, it's, it's, you're going to have to think about how, How are you going to react to thAt? another factor is the cost. I think, you know, it's just, it was just another expense and we just weren't interested in it. So yeah, was that a factor for you? The cost , it's always a factor for me. I always just think, you know, cause I'm impulsive and I do go a little bit overboard.

I'll be honest. And so you see all these beautiful, uh, you know, gender reveal parties and first birthdays and baby showers and hen's parties and all these things. And, you know, there's a lot of like even weddings, right? Like, Like you said, you wanted it to start small and then it just adds and you're like, Oh, now I need a photographer.

Oh, now I want the more expensive flowers. Oh, I need like thank you gifts. Oh, I also need, there's so many things that you can need or want. And then in your mind, you're like, this is the only time I'm getting married. Or this is, this might be the only time I have a baby shower or a gender reveal party or whatever.

And then, so of course you want to make a big, cause it's like, might be your one and only. And yeah, so the cost comes into play. And when you're having a kid, it's, it's expensive, right? You get pregnant. So you've got all the medical expenses and then most people have the baby shower potentially the gender reveal party, and then you have the baby, then you've got all the expenses associated with that, then all the birthday parties that come.

So it's like a whole line of different things that are going to cost you money. And so, yes, it has a massive, uh, It's a, it's a factor, right? When you think about it and especially with social media, we see all these beautiful parties and they are just stunning. And people have like Instagramable parties and they look beautiful.

Maybe it is the last time you can have like an adult sort of party where it can, everything can look nice. Cause then once you start having kids, the first birthday, second, like they all just. It just changes, doesn't it? Like they just, um, they just wreck everything and they don't really sit for photos and all that stuff.

But more so it was just, it was just trying to contain myself to not go overboard. To not buy things that I didn't really need, even though I still bought things I didn't really need, because you don't really know what you need and what you don't need when you're having a baby.

Um, I didn't really care about the gender either, like, obviously I didn't care because I didn't even find out, but whatever, as long as it's happy and healthy, it doesn't bother me. Um, yeah. I kind of knew I was going to have a boy, like instinctually, I kind of knew I was going to have a boy. And then with Amelia, I thought I was going to have a boy only cause my pregnancies were so similar.

I just thought if it was a girl, I'd feel different and I didn't. So that's why I was like, Oh, maybe it'll be another boy. In which case I was actually super happy. Like, initially I wanted to be a boy mom and I'm like, I just want two boys. Um, but now I'm like really glad I've got Amelia.

I the gender disappointment also brings up the topic about gender identity because it's something that You and I didn't really have to think about when we were growing up, like it wasn't really a topic, but now it has become a topic.

Like, um, here in Australia we are starting to get unisex toilets, bathrooms, those sort of things. And so It is a discussion. It is a topic that, you know, it's big among young people and who knows where it's going to be when our kids sort of start growing up and going into their teenage years. I don't really know.

Do you think that gender reveal parties will evolve in the future, given the whole Discussions around gender identity.

I think, I dunno, I want to say no, because I feel a lot of that stuff is as part of the baby in regards to their identity, their personal identity, as they, as they grow up and how they identify themselves. Um, so I think the gender reveal party is really just for the parents. It's not, it's not for the kid, right?

The kid's not born yet. So I think in terms of the, the parties themselves and what they're about, I think that will stay the same in regards to it's for the parents, let's celebrate having a kid, you know, it's super exciting and all that stuff. That's, that's going to remain. I don't think that's going to change much at all.

How about you? I think they will. I think that as the next generation will kind of grow up when they then get to the age where they're having children and they reflect on their journey.

Now, I know it's a big topic, right? Like, and I don't completely understand it, but I'm just kind of thinking of it from, you know, I'm trying to put myself in their shoes. And I'm trying to think about how. this might evolve. I think that if they had a particular stigma put on them to be a particular gender, because that's how they were born, and they didn't identify with that gender, they might decide not to have gender reveal parties.

Either they might decide to, um, not have them all together, or adapt them and maybe just have like a baby reveal party. So like just announce their pregnancy, for example, and move away from the gender reveal party. So still have the party. Everybody loves a party. still have the parties, but maybe not focus on the gender of the baby and maybe just make it more of a, like an announcement party.

Um, but I do, I do think that they will evolve, um, in the future depending on how these discussions around gender identity evolve. So it'll, I think it'll evolve with it. Mm So it just become less about the gender, is what you're saying? I,

less about the gender, more about the baby and the pregnancy. Yeah. Um, yeah. More like a, hey, we're pregnant. Like.

. We'll see what happens with our kids. And uh, or maybe even, maybe even, Grandkids. Yeah. We've got grandkids to see what happens with them. Um, the other thing, you know, that I'm thinking of in terms of these kinds of parties, like the baby shower and gender reveal parties. And I don't know, there's probably other parties that people have about having kids that I don't know about because, you know, we didn't consider having them, but they're often just for the first baby.

Yeah. And that's, that's my understanding or feeling about it anyways. Like we had the really super low key baby shower for Kenzo. Did we have one for Ambrose? No. Did we consider doing it? No. Um, we already had a kid. We had our hands full. We were exhausted trying to survive and all that jazz. So. We definitely didn't have one for Ambrose and I think most people don't as well, but I'd love to hear if you're listening, you know, if you had a gender reveal party for all your babies and they had a baby shower, all your babies, like, let us know.

Cause I'd love to, I'd love to hear your point of view, but for us, it was, if we're going to do it. It was just for the first and then, um, I suppose to celebrate just with our little family, you know, when we were pregnant again and, what do you think? You didn't have it, but you know, do you think that people have it for the second or third, fourth?

Unfortunately, I think that the second, third, fourth, fifth. Tends to be a little bit neglected in most cases, not in all cases, but in most cases, and you definitely, in terms of, you know what, in terms of everything, like I'll be honest, like Amelia, poor girl, like the stuff that Aiden got, she did not have half of the things She was also a COVID baby, so she didn't, of course, get to do as much, because a lot of things were closed, and we had some of the strictest restrictions here in Melbourne, Australia.

So she really didn't get to do half of anything. But think about it, just mother's group, right? Mother's group alone, you get it for your first, you don't get it for your second. So there's so many things that don't happen for the second. And like you said, you're so busy with your first, That sometimes you just forget.

You forget to do some of those things. You forget all the other things that you've done for your first and so you miss out on the second. And so I think in general the second tends to get a little bit more neglected. in some of those factors. Um, but in terms of gender reveal parties and baby showers and all that jazz, I think you have to just be mindful that yes, you're super excited for your first, right?

You are so excited. It's all new. If you want to make it fair, know that you're going to have to do the same for your second, third, fourth, fifth, and you're not going to be in the same headspace. You're not going to have the same time. When you're pregnant with your first, you've just, that's it. You're just pregnant with your first.

You've got all the time in the world to plan and organize. And when your second comes, you don't have the time. Um, so just be mindful of that.

I feel like sometimes people have it once they've already had kids, because then it's like getting the kids involved and getting them excited for, like, the baby. It's like a way to, yeah, get them involved. And that, because it's, it can be really hard and kids can get jealous and all that.

Again, I didn't do it because my kids were so close together that Aidan wouldn't have a clue what was going on, even if I did have one. But if you've got older kids, it's like a way of like involving them and let's have a party, let's organize it, what's the baby gonna be? And then they get excited about having a little brother or sister.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, when you were saying neglect, I agree but I, I don't know if I've used that word, right? Because I, I just It's a terrible word but you know what I'm saying. I do, I do know what you saying because like, I think, um, Like how I feel about it is that you learn stuff. Right.

So like mother's group, do we necessarily need a mother's group that second time round, maybe, maybe it's an optional thing because maybe if it's, if you've had a big gap, then it would be really nice to have that. But if it's been quite recent and yeah. And like, you know, like us, we, we have a group from that original mother's group.

Like, would you need another's group? Maybe not. And also you've just gone through everything. Having a second kid, whatever anyone tells you is easier in lots and lots of ways because you have that experience and that knowledge. And I think it's kind of similar in terms of like a baby shower and, um, a gender reveal party.

Like you've gone through it. I'm not saying the second time isn't as exciting, but you know, you already have your baby stuff. Probably, uh, or, you know, more people who have baby stuff that, you know, it's all about sharing and, um, kind of, um, donating it around cause it's, it's, it's really big within the, the, um, parent, the parenting community, motherhood community, like, especially for us, I feel.

So I think, I dunno, I think a lot of it is, is a different approach that second time round because of the knowledge and experience that you've been through. And also lack of time and lack of energy and probably lack of money as well. It's not, let's not forget that. Um, yeah, I don't know. Um, I think I would have liked the mother's group because, for the second child, you're 100 percent right with all those things.

You are so much more confident in all of that. What I find with Amelia is she gets neglected in that she doesn't really have any friends her age. Aiden had friends his age and that's what the mother group.

Um, if you've got cousins or friends , co workers who are pregnant at the same time as you, that's great, but that generally is really hard to align those things. And so the mother's group bring those people together with your second child. You don't have that. And so, yes, you've all had second children.

So that's great for us. But Amelia is a little bit older than all of your kids. So I really struggled to find friends or find people with the same age group. And that's where I find that neglect, for lack of a better word, comes from is giving her the same opportunities that Aiden has, because I haven't given her the same.

, it's, it's impossible to make, to make it even and make it fair. Um, I just have to come to terms that it is going to be different between the first and the second, and that's just how it's going to be. So anyway, in terms of baby reveal parties, we are both a nay. . We didn't have them, but if you want to invite us to one, we will come along and we will help and we'll put up the garlands and we'll put up the decorations and we'll do all that jazz.

Um, but for ourselves, we're a nay in hosting them. Thank you so much for joining us today as we explored the fascinating and sometimes controversial topic of gender reveal parties. Regardless of whether you have them or not, it doesn't matter. It's your own personal choice. Um, if you love to throw a party, These rank pretty high on the fun scale, so go for it.

If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, leave us a review, and share with your family and friends. We'd love to hear your thoughts on gender reveal parties and any, maybe, alternative celebrations that you've embraced. Until next time, this has been Dee and Nhi. We'll catch you later.