Milk and Madness

I would say a lot of the resentment was founded, but then there was probably other stuff that was exaggerated because I was going through all this change and because I was hormonal and all that stuff, but that doesn't mean it's not valid.

he asked for some advice and spoke to some of his dad friends and they told him ride out the first year, the first year is going to be a rollercoaster,

hello friends. Hi, welcome to Milk and Madness, your weekly guide through the wild journey of motherhood. As we dive into the chaos, laughter, and poignant moments that come with being a parent, we're your hosts, Nhi and Dee. With Milk and Madness, we're not here to sugarcoat anything. Parenting is a rollercoaster of emotions from the joy of milestones to the frustration of sleepless nights.

And everything in between, we're here to share our own experiences in an open and honest conversation about the realities of raising kids. If you're new to Milk and Madness, welcome. We're so glad to have you with us. And if you're a regular listener, we are so grateful. Today, we are going to talk about how having kids can impact your relationships, especially with your partner in those early days and nights.

Our oldest kids are now five, turning six very soon, but honestly, it feels like yesterday we were nervously bringing our little babies home.

Yes, it does feel like almost yesterday. I remember it quite vividly.

And as much as you can try to prepare for what life might be like, When you bring your baby home, honestly, you just won't know how your life will change in both good and exhausting ways until it happens, until you're in it. We've both mentioned in previous episodes how your personal identity may change, how your body changes, how your friendships may change, but how will your relationship with your partner change?

It's the relationship that's the most likely to be affected with the stress of having a newborn baby, will it make You stronger as a team. Will it highlight cracks in your relationship? Will it be an utter emotional rollercoaster? These are the questions that we're going to talk about. So what comes to mind when we think about, your relationship with your partner?

What was it like when you brought? Aiden home.

It was really good. Calvin's really hands on. He has always wanted to be a parent. So I think he just naturally was really hands on and was really involved. Like he would wake up for the night feeds and stuff, even though I would tell him to go back to sleep because one of us needs to be functioning.

He was really good in that aspect. Especially the early days he would want to change nappies and , be super hands on in everything he wanted to do because It was so much that he couldn't do, but he took on as much of the responsibility that he physically could take on, noting that he couldn't obviously do a lot of the things that I was doing. And of course it helped because it was, post recovery as well. Yes, I didn't have a C section, but I was in labor.

So there are still things that I found hard and there was definitely still recovery. What about for you? You had a C section maybe it was a little bit harder with recovery, although you're a machine, so probably not.

My recovery for the first C section was totally fine, actually. So it was, I remember walking in, the nurse was like, Oh my God, you're walking already?

And I'm like, and he told me to. They're like, it's been 40 minutes. I'm like, I don't know. You told me to walk. Anyways, but yes, I think, when we brought Kenzo home, it was really great because Matthew, my husband like yours was very, is very hands on and wants to be involved and wants to do as much as possible.

So I think that part of it where we're both in, not shock, we're dealing with this life changing thing and you've never been through it before. It's all new to both of you. So together I felt, yes, we were a team in terms of that. Let's work it out. This day and night confusion that Kenza was going through and breastfeeding.

Oh my gosh. So all that stuff, I did really feel that Matthew was there for, but what I feel the real impact of a relationship, or I suppose some negative stuff is after a little bit of time, when. I think it's really normal to feel some resentment towards your partner in those early days, that first year, because so much of, I want to say the burden, but so much of the responsibility of looking after that baby does fall on the mom, as much as the dad wants to be involved.

But I just remember, and you're so hormonal, you're going through so much change. You're recovering from childbirth I just remember there are times when, yeah, I would say I felt some resentful or some anger because, I was the one who was up all night and miss your old life too, for some periods in that first year, because you're still adjusting to being a mom.

So I would say that there were moments of resentment during that first, I suppose those early days of being a mom, of being a parent, of being a team together, looking after this newborn. Did you feel that at all?

No. No. Honestly, no, I don't think I felt resentment. I definitely felt other emotions, anger, frustration and all of that.

But I think because Calvin was so hands on, I knew he was already doing everything that he could do. Where I got hung up was the frustration of him not fully understanding how much has changed in my life, in my body, in my mind, everything. And. I guess the frustrating part is that how is he going to know like he, he himself has never gone through this.

If I was talking to a girlfriend who had a kid and I hadn't, I myself wouldn't understand all of the little things, the little changes that a person who's had a child goes through. Was still frustrating, but I can't really expect him to understand because he hasn't been through it. I think for me came more from the situation itself.

Like why do we have to lose our hair? That was just little things like that. Why do these things have to happen? Like it was just so silly to me. And it made me angry. Like, why am I going through these? All of those things it does compound when you add the sleepless nights in, when you add the changes to your body in.

When you add the changes to your mind, I think that's the biggest thing that people forget because you physically can see the changes to your body. You can obviously see the stretch marks. You can see, your breastfeeding, your boobs change, everything changes. But the changes to your mind and the mental roller coaster that you go through is something that isn't visual.

And I really struggled to explain those things to Calvin because a lot of the times I didn't even know why I was upset or I didn't know exactly to be able to pinpoint what was going on with me. So they were really hard. Resentment wise, no, I don't think I ever felt that. Was there something specific though that you were resentful of?

Was it just that his life remained unchanged and yours was. thrown on its head, was that sort of where that was coming from?

I think so. I think, yeah, look, a lot of it you can't change because as women, we're the ones who, get pregnant and we give birth, all that stuff, we breastfeed, et cetera, et cetera.

So I would say a lot of the resentment was founded but then there was probably other stuff that was exaggerated because I was going through all this change and because I was hormonal and all that stuff, but that doesn't mean it's not valid. Correct. I think, as moms, we put that pressure on us.

So there's that as well. So I was putting pressure on myself to be A, B, C, D, and then feeling that. Okay, as my husband, as my partner and all this, as the dad, are you not putting this pressure on you? I feel it was like an imbalance I felt at times. And also, the new found feelings of mom guilt, the new found experience of this extra mental load.

All that stuff, as a mom, you're processing it all comes in waves. And I felt that with all that was happening, there was definitely resentment. There was definitely some anger in terms of our roles. Cause you felt like it was heavier on you, like you were taking, yeah, regardless of the fact that, Matthew's fully hands on and changed probably more nappies than I have.
Honestly, regardless of that stuff, it was, it's, I think a lot of it is the invisible things.

Something happens when you become parents, I think, and it's because you've never experienced it before, but it was not the super early days, but I would say, a little bit later on, there's a bit of that tit for tat thing where you're like, okay. Why is it not totally equal? I think it's a really interesting journey that people go through. Partners go through when you have kids. It's the thing that comes to mind is people say, you make or break as a relationship when you go and you travel, just you two, right? That's going to make your relationship or you guys going to break up or you guys move out. And I'm like, having kids is, you It's more profound than those two things, for sure, because you have to keep this other human being alive. And there's so much pressure, so much stress that you go through, and you don't know how they're going to deal with it.

You don't know how you're going to deal with it. And I just think, if you think having a kid with your partner is going to be easy peasy, all rosy rainbows and that kind of stuff, it's really not. Because even, for relationships that are really equal, which I think, my mine is pretty up there in terms of that.

There will be still moments where you feel anger or resentment, some form of that. Those feelings just be prepared for it, just know that is going to come.

I agree. I actually don't understand the concept of bandaid babies because I can't think of anything that would fast track divorce separation faster than having a baby because there's just, it's full on and it's so much happening and it's all at once.

I remember Calvin telling me that, I don't know at what stage he went and spoke to some of his dad friends, but he told me that he asked for some advice and spoke to some of his dad friends and they told him ride out the first year, just the first year is going to be a rollercoaster, just do whatever she says.

She's going to be hormonal. Take everything with a grain of salt because the changes that's happening to her, to your wife will be, she's not going to be the same person. So just be prepared for that and accept that for what it is and just be there to support her. And I think that was really good advice for him, because I think that's exactly what happened that first 12 months was, it was really hard.

It was really tough. I have the main. Milestone points that I remember as being the hardest for me was the first three days, two, three days. Then it was the first sort of three weeks. Cause that's when I my breastfeeding ironed out a little bit and got a lot easier from there.

Then it became the first three months. And that's when Aiden started to stabilize in terms of sleeping overnight and I got my sleep pattern back. And then after that, it was like that 12 month milestone, because you gone through. The baby milestones, your own sort of recovery, both physically and mentally over those 12 months and you get to that point after 12 months where everything stabilizes.

Yes, there'll still be my milestones. Yes, there'll still be things that come up. But I think for such a short period of time, I know 12 months seems like a long time, but if you really, Sat down for anyone who hasn't had kids, just expect that it's going to be a rollercoaster for the first 12 months. And anyone who has had kids, if you actually sat down and noted down all the things that you went through during those 12 months, like you need a medal because it is unbelievable what we go through and if you have a really good partner who supports you through that it's even better right it will actually help you get through it a lot quicker so thank you fathers thank you partners who get us through those 12 months because i'm sure it wasn't pretty for you it definitely wasn't pretty for us but we definitely need that support so please do not have a baby if you think it's going to fix a relationship, if you think it's going to repair something, if you think it's going to bring you closer.

I'm not saying it won't, but if there's trouble already, I can almost guarantee that it will make it worse because it's really hard to raise a child.

I think, one of the questions that you posed at the start was, will it highlight cracks in your relationship? The answer is a resounding yes.

In terms of that, it will only exacerbate it. It will make it so obvious. If there's any gaps or anything that already really frustrates you, and it's, I think it goes beyond just your partner not doing the dishes or something, but it might be some fundamental things. So I think if there were things right now before you even get pregnant that you feel that you and your partner weren't aligned on, right?

When you have kids, when you have that first. baby, it's just going to magnify it. You can't escape it at all. It's going to be thrown in your face. So it's a difficult one, it comes back to communication in terms of voicing any frustrations that you have, any resentment that you have as early as you can.

And that's, really easy to say and really difficult to do because, When you have a newborn, there's so much going on. And you also, feel like you want to sit on that resentment for a little bit, if that makes sense, because is it cause I'm hormonal? Is it because I haven't slept like what's going on here?

And then actually, you know what? No, it's because of this. And then I think it's really important to talk to your partner about that. That's probably the only advice I have, I think in terms of any cracks that you have in your relationship before having kids.

Yeah absolutely. Communication is always going to be the answer to everything, in my opinion.

It is really difficult though, because like we said before, you just don't know what to expect. You just don't know. What's coming, especially if this is your first, your second. Look, let's be honest. You've been through it. Like it's just completely different. It is completely different. Like you cannot compare it.

You already know what to do. You already know how you're going to be. You're already prepared in some ways, right? So it's a lot easier. But for your first, I'm talking about where you have no idea what's going on. We have no idea what you're supposed to be doing. Yes, you go to the birthing classes.

Yes, you might read books, talk to your girlfriends, but it is just, that's theory, right? That's the theory of raising a child. Like I said, throw in sleepless nights, throw in, some frustrations and resentment, throw in, sadness, about losing your identity or temporarily changing your identity.

I always think about, going, To a new job or learning a new skill, anything like that. It's always just stressful and it takes a while by the time you learn, the new people that work in the organization. By the time you learn the systems and this, that and the other, it's the same thing, right?

You're trying to learn. How do I take the child's temperature? How do I give them a bath? How do I determine if the poo means this or it means that? Does it mean that they're sick? Is it too runny? Have I given them enough food? Have they had enough milk? Have they not? Have they slept enough? Am I supposed to hold them?

Am I supposed to put them down? Do I let them cry it out? It's just, You go from one thing to another so incredibly quickly that you almost need time yes, it's good to talk as much as you can before having a child, before overthinking about getting pregnant, and then while you're pregnant, but it's also, I think, really good to talk about it as you go through those milestones.

What did we do well? What did we not do well? Did you need me to wake up with you to, Bring the child to you so that you could breastfeed or did you need me to take out the bin so you didn't have to worry about it later? Did you need me to make dinner because you've been stuck on the couch with a sick child all day and you haven't eaten?

Those conversations that come up at that point in time depending on what you're actually going through. I think it's super important because like I said your partner isn't gonna know the intricacies of what you're actually going through. I know Calvin was really good, like he knew that I'll be breastfeeding, so he would always like buy snacks and have food in the house.

And I think, again, that was from somebody telling him that, make sure she's fed, keep fed or she'll be angry. Which was great because then I didn't have to worry about cooking, like I knew it was there. It just, it helped, like just those small things helped. And then when people came over to visit the baby, they brought food and yeah, just those little things help.

So if you can communicate to your partner, communicate to your family. Hey, once a week, can you make me a bolognese so I can freeze it and I'll just cook some pasta. Those things just make it, I know they sound small, but they just make such an impact to your recovery. And I think that's what you need to remember in that first 12 months is that you are in recovery physically and mentally, and you need to do everything that you can do to recover.

Yep. Yep. When you were talking just now, in my head going through, the different emotions the emotional rollercoaster that is having kids and the relationship with your partner. And it sounds like Calvin did a really great job in terms of that stuff and not making sure that you are hangry is a plus.

Absolutely good work, Calvin. If you're listening, I think the other stuff that comes to mind is. Okay. So the shift, there's two of you in this relationship and now we've added another person into it. So this is a shift of attention that's going to impact your relationship, right? Then there's other stuff that you are probably so used to pre baby in terms of your routine of everything that's thrown out the window, right?

There's the intimacy stuff. in terms of what you guys were before having kids, that's going to be massively impacted. Massively. So there, that, that is going to have a flow on effect with your relationship, right? Then there's just the stress of everything. You pile all those things up. It's difficult. It's really difficult. And I remember when we had the first birthdays, the round of first birthdays. And, we were all so excited.

We've made it through the first year. All our oldest kids had, really good birthday parties. And we all. Did like balloon garlands and like all this stuff that we have not even, I have not even thought about since that birthday. But that first year, that party was really a celebration for me and Matthew.

Yeah. Yeah. That we made it. That we made it. We survived it. We're still together. I still love you and I don't hate you. And Kenzo's thriving and it's It really is for us, I think, our first year celebration. I agree. My kid turned one.

No, I got through the first 12 months. We made it through.

What a blur it was. Yeah. But you made it, you touch on a good point about the focus being on a child. You have to focus on that baby because that baby is not self sufficient. If before, even while you were pregnant, baby moons and you're still going out for lunch and you're still spending, date nights and you're still doing things as, as a partnership, an intimate partnership.

And then this baby comes along and because it's, a baby, you have to divert all of that attention or as, a lot of that attention to the child, especially as the mom, as we've said before, a lot of it falls on us and then of course, like I said, Calvin was really good.

He was still looking after me. Like he knew that his role as a dad was Yes, to look after the baby, but it was really to look after me so that I could look after the baby. So that was really good. Where I think with us, it went a bit awry was because my attention was so much on Aiden made me really focus on Aiden instead of on Calvin.

So our relationship changed the dynamic in our relationship change in that in those 12 months because I was so focused on Aiden and I was so focused on myself in that recovery phase. And it does, has an impact on your relationship with your partner.

And like I said, Calvin was really good and he did make sure that I was being looked after, but that wasn't so much reciprocated on my end for the reasons I've just noted. And sometimes I think what can happen is you can get so focused and so bogged down with looking after your child that you end up neglecting your partner.

And, that's sad, right? Because at the end of the day, they're there. They're your partner. You've created this being together. And as much as you want to do the right thing and you think that you're doing the right thing, sometimes you need to step back and go, okay, that child's fine. We can still do maybe not what we used to.

Obviously, we can't travel. Maybe you can, but obviously the child will come with you. But, still do things. in some way what you were doing before having a child. So I think you just, I don't know, it just, sometimes it changes. Like you don't, you become a parent and then you identify as a mom and then that's your sole identity.

And then you never do anything as partners anymore, like your parents now. And that's your new title. That's your new label. And then everything that goes along with that is all around activities as a parent, not activities as a couple anymore. So I think it's just really important to know that can happen and just to be wary of it.

I'm not saying that you have to do date night every night or anything like that, but Just little things go a long way in that period.

In that first 12 months, is there anything that comes to mind as being like a really big issue or something that you had a really big argument over that you can recall? No. Okay. Cool. No, but I would say from my experience, there was nothing big. There was nothing major, but it was lots of little things.

Lots of little things everywhere and they combined and then they become something. . I might feel a little bit angry about something and then maybe there's a few other little things that happen and then that becomes maybe an argument.

But I don't remember there being any big thing that we fought about. I do remember that there were times when Matt was angry with me too, because let's say I'm upset or I'm stressed and we're working so closely together for that period that, some of that impacts him and he gets upset and then that might in turn, you Get thrown back at me.

So yeah it's such an interesting, it's such an interesting journey having kids really. And I would say overall, we are definitely stronger after it, after having kids, like I say, where we are now versus where we were before, I would say we're just as strong or even stronger. After going through all that I think so.

I think it's really confirmed. It's solidified us as a partnership in terms of, yes, we can bring up two boys. Together we can take over the world if we want, I just feel that there's pretty much nothing that can happen because we've had these two boys that can be thrown at us that we won't be able to navigate or communicate through.

So I think all those feelings of. Exhaustion and stress and resentment and anger and confusion and all that stuff has been in the long run positive for us because it meant that we dealt with that stuff and , we've been able to Work through it and yeah, I would say our foundation is even stronger than it was before we had kids.

It's really good. That's really great. Cause not everyone can say that. And something that sort of came to mind when you were talking that happened to me was, I think I just got stuck and couldn't really see the light at the end of the tunnel. When, if you have a fight with someone, you Hey, okay, like I had a fight with him and it's not that big of a deal.

That you're going to make up and that you're going to get over it and all of that. But I remember that those first 12 months even just like with. breastfeeding, for example. I could not see the end of the tunnel. I could not see past breastfeeding. And so there were a lot of points throughout those first 12 months where something would happen.

And a lot of it were small things. I don't recall anything major, but I just couldn't see overcoming that and I think that obviously ties back to being sleep deprived and just all the changes that are happening like your brain is on overload, overdrive, trying to process all this new information and new things that you need to worry about and think about that the simple things like just getting over a little argument or just Sorting things out like you normally would and just talk about it.

It just, it goes out the window and you do, you become irrational. They become irrational because like you said, they feed off you. And you're both just irrational sometimes. And sometimes you just. When that would normally happen, you just be like, eh, whatever, they'll get over it. And you know that they will, and you will, and it's all fine.

But in those moments, you just, I really struggled to see the end, to see the next step, to see the next phase, because I was just so in it. And so if you are currently in that phase where you're just like, you're stuck, you can't see out of it, like it does. And you do get over it. And it actually really upsets me.

I remember when Aiden was, I think when you turned one, I don't know if you had the same sort of advice from people or. They told you the same thing, but they always say it gets worse. And do you remember oh, it gets worse. Terrible twos, this, that, and the other.

That's not my experience. I did get terrible twos, but I don't think that's our experience either.

No. Honestly. No. I got, so when they turn twos, when they turn one, it's oh, now you've got the terrible twos. When they turn two, it's oh, have you heard of the, Something 3s. What was it? I don't know it was called something else.

It's terrible. It's terrible 2s, terrible 3s, terrible 4s. Terrible 2s, tantrum 3s, I can't remember. And then 4s was something else again. And I'm just like, when it would just scare me. Cause it's oh, I've just been through this like massive thing, and it was hard, and it was exhausting and everything.

Now you tell me that it's going to get worse. I'm sure they meant well, maybe in their experience, it did get worse. But for me, it did not get worse. The first 12 months was the hardest. it was just a lot of changes. Yes, there were new milestones, new behaviors, new things coming out of them turning one yes, they start walking.

So now you've got to baby proof the house and you've got to be a little bit more attentive. And there's other things that you need to think about and worry about, but in terms of it getting worse, that was not my experience. So, I think if you're worried about that, please don't because you are at that stage when they're 12 months old, you are a lot more equipped and hopefully Less sleep deprived.

Yeah. To be able to deal with what's coming.

Yeah. And hopefully more equipped as a team to go through if terrible twos was, if we were to experience that terrible threes, whatever it is, but yeah, you're hoping that as a team, you've gone through all the trials and tribulations in , the first 12 months that, If does get harder than hopefully as a team, you've already done the hard work, the foundational stuff to get to a point where, bring it on, kids, what do you have?

So on that note, as always, we thank you for listening and for being here with us.
Having kids is. Honestly, it's a wonderful honor and something that is life changing. There's no questions about that. You just don't know how it'll go or how it will impact your life. If you're about to embark on this journey, we're thinking of you and wishing you the very best. Please subscribe to our podcast and until next time, bye.