Milk and Madness

Hello, friends. Welcome back to the Milk and Madness podcast, where we explore parenthood one episode at a time. If this is your first time joining us, we're so glad to have you with us. And to our regular listeners, thank you for being part of our community. I'm your host Dee. And I'm your host Nhi. Today, we're delving into a topic that's often whispered about, but rarely discussed openly.

Sex after birth is a subject full of challenges, emotions, and plenty of questions. And we're here to explore it all with you. We know that the postpartum period can be a whirlwind of emotions and adjustment. I know that's what it was like for me and for you. I think your body is healing. Your relationship dynamics might be shifting and the demands of newborn are relentless and myths.

Um, amidst all this, the question of when and how to reconnect with your partner intimately can feel daunting. Mm hmm. And I don't know about you, Nhi, but sex was the last thing on my mind after giving birth. Yes and no, um, it was the last thing on my mind in terms of, was I interested in doing it?

But it wasn't the last thing on my mind in terms of like, did I think about it? I did think about it because, you know, as you said, we have those questions and, you know, when am I going to feel like it again? And is it going to feel like it used to feel? Is it going to hurt? I don't know. Is my body going to be ready when I'm ready?

So I would say yes or no. Like it was on my mind, but not in terms of like wanting to do it. Um, but more concerned about when I did want to do it, what it was going to be like, um, if, if that makes sense. Yeah. In terms of our experience with childbirth, so you had a natural labor and natural, um, childbirth, um, no C section for you, which I think was amazing.

And you know, if you are a regular listener and you've listened to Dee's birth stories, I think, um, pretty amazing. Your body just knew what it was doing. What was the, recovery like for you and do you remember what the doctors were telling you in terms of how long to wait and recovery and all that?

Yeah, so mine was pretty like by the book. Like I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. It was so good. It was fairly by the book. Um, I know it might not be like that for most people. Um, they suggested to me obviously to wait until. like the postpartum checkup, which generally happens around four to six weeks.

So yes, I had a natural birth, but that doesn't mean that I didn't have, um, tears and stuff. So I still had damage. Um, but you know, I think I actually don't know if anyone has labor without any sort of damage. So, um, I don't know, maybe, maybe it's a thing. It didn't happen to me, but in terms of the recovery, it was fairly quick.

Uh, the thing that I remember the most was around contraception. And how much they spoke about it. And I just remember thinking, this is, I'm not even thinking about having sex. So I'm not even thinking about contraception, but it was definitely something that was brought up pretty much every single checkup with Aiden, with me, with Amelia.

Yep. And, but yeah, so I waited the six weeks, had the postpartum checkup, they went through everything, and then of course it was the conversation about contraception, and because I was breastfeeding, there was, there was that as well. And so, yeah, pretty much I got the all clear after six weeks, physically.

Um, or whenever I had the, whenever I had the actual appointment, I think it was like six or eight weeks. And in my mind, I literally just thought like, the only thing that I was thinking of was just get to the postpartum checkup, find out if I'm physically okay, and then worry about the next step. So for me, it was literally the last thing on my mind because I was just worrying about Aiden, worrying about getting through that healing.

And then I thought, let's get to that postpartum checkup and then see where that goes. Because If you get all excited or, you know, you start thinking about it and it's like, Oh, sorry, you're not completely healed or you've got to wait another six weeks or whatever it is. Then it's like, Oh, okay. Um, so yeah, that was kind of my thought process is get through that, deal with all the other stuff going on with having a newborn.

Like you said, the orelentlessness f it but I got the all clear and it was fine. So, um, I actually don't really remember when we had sex the first time. Like, I don't remember any of that. . I feel like it's such Calvin . No, no. As in like, it's such a blur, so I couldn't tell you if it hurt the first time.

Like I don't remember any of that. Whereas a lot of my girlfriends remember it quite vividly and I'm like, I don't remember it at all. Um, what about for you? 'cause you had a C-section, so it would've been slightly different. Yeah, I remember it vividly, all of this. So I'm one of your, one of those girlfriends who like, yeah, I can tell you every detail because I remember it like it was yesterday.

But yeah, the C section was unplanned. Um, but it went really smoothly. My recovery for my first, um, after Kenzo was really smooth. Like everything just kind of went back to normal. And, um, I was, I'm pretty sure I was also told, you know, have the six week check up and go from there. And I think I was physically okay then.

Um, we didn't have sex for the first time after Kenzo till I think maybe 10 or 12 weeks. And that was because Um, I think mentally, emotionally, I was a bit scarred still, I suppose, from the, the trauma of going through the C section and, you know, I was in induced labor for what felt like an eternity.

Like, it just, Oh my God. So yeah, maybe 10, 12 weeks, I think around the three month mark is when we had sex again. And I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a bit painful. Um. I don't know, it was weird, and it wasn't painful, it wasn't like oh my god, you know, you're killing me kind of thing, but it was like, I suppose it's like, it was like uncomfortableness in terms of just, I suppose using things again, and, um, you know, I think my body had, you know, Well, I'm starting the healing process because, honestly, sometimes I feel that C section scar, it gets, um, tingly, like it's, it's weird, right?

Yeah, yeah, I think, I'm not sure when it, that completely goes away, and I feel like it might just be ongoing. It's fully healed, but because I think it's so many nerve endings and stuff, and they've sliced through so many layers, every now and again, I'm like, oh, okay, I remember that, C section scars there.

But, I digress. , in terms of the first time we had sex, it was, A little bit uncomfortable. Um,. But then that, that uncomfortableness went away very quickly and we kind of went back to what was a bit more normal. I think the thing for me in terms of like why sex was on my mind in terms of, um, you know, when we're gonna do it and all that stuff, was because it's linked to my identity before having kids.

Mm-Hmm. . You know, like we didn't have kids. We had sex often and I really enjoyed it. And, um, so, you know, you feel when you have your first child, you feel like you lose your identity so quickly overnight. And. I suppose everything about you before having your first child, this is, this is a part of it, right?

This is a major part of your relationship with your partner. And you feel that you feel that shift. Like every night you go to bed, you're like night, see, like I'm dead. I'm dead to the world. I just need to close my eyes and go to sleep. There's no, you know, all that stuff that happened before for quite some time.

So I think that's why it was on my mind. And, you know, you, you think about your needs, you have needs, of course, right? So like how long until those needs kind of resurface. And then also you think about your partner's needs and then as a relationship, you know, what was normal before is not normal anymore.

So how does that look for us in the future? How does it look for us right now? How does it look for us in the future? And then obviously all the other stuff in terms of being utterly exhausted, physically, emotionally drained, you know, your nipples are if you've listened to my breastfeeding episode, like my nipples felt like they were going to fall off.

Do not feel sexy anymore, right? You feel frumpy. I'm living in one of my, um, robes. And you know, there are days when you haven't showered and there's just like so many things that have, that have become more important than sex in that first period that, It's, it's totally normal if you don't feel like doing it.

I honestly, I expect that you don't like if girlfriends came to us and we're like, Oh my God, it's been like, I don't know, four months. I still haven't had sex yet. Totally cool. Don't stress about it. You know what I mean? And I think it's one of those things where we often put pressure on ourselves too, because , we feel

it's maybe expected or whatever it is, but I really want to stress that when it comes to sex after giving birth, first, second, third, fourth, fifth, whatever number child, it is up to you in terms of how you're healing, how you're feeling about it. Do you want it? Do you need it? Do you? I think it really comes down to, to that.

And I remember. I think there's another podcast I've heard or, you know, I've read in the past, but you know, there's been partners where they felt pressure to have sex. And I'm always like, tell your partner to beep off in the nicest way possible. Okay. We'll have to edit that. I would tell your partner to buzz off.

Right? Because honestly, it's yes, it is. It is about them too, but it is mostly about you because if you are not ready, then you are not ready. In whatever level, whatever way, forget about it. I agRee. you know, yes, it is like to your point, it is about them as well. Cause you are in this relationship together.

I think for them and for you as well, it's a little bit of that. Change in the routine. So to your point about pre baby Nhi and Mad, or pre baby Diana and Calvin, you had a certain routine and you would do certain things because you didn't have any other responsibilities. Or maybe you'd had other responsibilities, but nothing as big as this.

Nothing that threw your whole life and your routine and your identity and everything on its head. And if you're used to, maybe you have a routine that you have sex every Friday night, Saturday night, Tuesday night, whatever it is for you. However many times a week, however many times a month, whatever your schedule is, if you have one, and then that gets thrown out because you've just had a baby, you're tired, your libido's gone, you're, like you said, you feel frumpy because your nipples are hurting and you've got scars and you've got, you know, the excess skin and just, just everything.

There's so much going on. at that time that even if you get the all clear physically, like I think people, and one of the things that I didn't know that was such an eye opener after having kids is the actual healing process. I think I've said it before, but you put so much focus on you're pregnant and now you've got to eat certain foods and you've got to try and stay healthy and it's all Like the finish line in my mind was giving birth.

That was the finish line for whatever stupid reason that for me was a finish line. But then after I gave birth and they're like, Oh, now there's the, you know, your uterus has to shrink back to its old size and the pain involved with that. And then learning how to breastfeed and all the other factors that play into for the next 18 odd years.

It's just those things I never thought about. Right. You didn't even consider them. Nobody tells you about them. Nobody tells you that breastfeeding isn't gonna come naturally. Well, nobody told me. Nobody told me that your uterus has to shrink back to its normal size. I should have realized, but you just, I don't know, you just don't.

Like, it's just stuff that you don't think about. You don't know what you don't know. And so, You have to go through that process of healing physically, but then the unseen part of it is that emotional side where you are dealing with the loss of your old identity. where you are dealing with the stress, the anxiety, the sleepless nights, uh, the fear of getting pregnant again, if you didn't have the nicest labor.

That I think was on my mind a lot. I didn't want to get pregnant again. And because the doctors were so persistent in always talking about contraception, especially like with breastfeeding, like you can't have this one, you can't have this one and all that stuff that they were things that were going on in my mind.

I was thinking, well, Am I ever going to have sex again because I didn't want to get pregnant again and I didn't want to Look, there's just so many things that you have to think about and consider. And so the emotional side, although you might get the all clear after four or six weeks physically, the emotional side I feel takes a lot longer to get across.

And that's the part that your partner might not see. Right, so they might come to you after have your postpartum check and go, how'd you go? You know, are you all clear? And you say, yes. And like, sweet, right, let's, let's get on it. And you're like, yeah, I'm all clear physically, but I'm not ready emotionally.

I'm not ready mentally. And that's probably where you have to have those conversations and really explain what's going on because they honestly, they don't understand because they haven't been through it. So they don't understand. They just, they're just very logical, right? They're like, Oh, you've been, you've been given the tick of approval.

Let's go. So just bear that in mind. So when you, when we say you have to make that decision, it is you that has to make that decision. It's your body, it's your mental state, and you are the only one that knows where you're at. The doctor, like I said, can tell you physically where you're at, but you need to know mentally and emotionally where you're at in this journey.

Like, are you scared of getting pregnant again? Are you scared it's going to hurt? You know, whatever it might be. I, like I said, I don't remember if it hurt the first time. I don't remember being uncomfortable, but I don't know. I think I was just really tired and at the time, whatever, maybe I got through it.

But it's not uncommon for it to be uncomfortable and it's not uncommon for it to hurt as well. So just bear that in mind that it's nothing that you're doing wrong, but if you're not ready, you're not ready. And you know, it's your body. Yep. I think take it easy would be my advice. Go, go easy with getting back into it.

Um, I think, you know, like just, just treat your body kindly. I think in terms of what you mentioned with having that conversation with your partner afterwards, absolutely. But I think in hindsight, if you can have that conversation beforehand too, like we, we have a list of things you need to talk to your partner about before you have kids really, we should, we should probably have an episode on that.

But. You know, this is, this is a big one because this, this impacts them a lot too. And their emotional state and their, you know, they, how they feel in terms of being wanted. Like that's, that's really important too. And for you, right, as well. So I think have a conversation with your partner before you have kids in terms of maybe, you know, let's, let's roll with it.

Let's see how we go. You know, sex is important to me. It's important to our relationship. But whilst I'm healing emotionally, physically, like, I'm going to need time. I'm going to need time. And I'll keep you posted. We can talk about it in terms of how I'm feeling so that it's not like you're sitting in the dark thinking, Oh my God, I really would love to make love tonight, but she's really not.

I'm not sure. So I think have those conversations you mentioned a few things and I think there's a few things we need to unpack. Contraception, massive. Right? So when we think of sex after giving birth, contraception definitely is a major factor. And you're right.

In Australia, in Melbourne anyways, my experience was the same. My doctor, who I've known since I was 16, she's been my doctor. She knows everything about my medical history, basically, or my sexual history, everything. And I just remember how much she harped on about contraception. So important. And myth busting here, but some people think you can't get pregnant when you're breastfeeding.

You absolutely can't. Absolutely can. So please, please keep that in mind. Unless you do want another one, which, you know, he and I did not. Contraception was super important. And I had the Implanon in my arm. Um, and it's something that I've had numerous times before. I love it. It's worked really well for me.

So it was absolutely no brainer for me just to have that in. Cause then I'm, I'm, I'm. I forget, I can't take the pill. I forget about it. And I'm like, Oh God, you know, that would be an absolute disaster. But so for me, I had the implanon inserted straight away, that, that meeting, she was like, let's do this.

Yep. Great. Do it. And, um, yeah, we didn't have to think about it anymore. What did you, did you go on the pill? Did you say? I, I don't remember. I honestly don't remember. This raises some questions. All I remember is they were telling me which ones I can and can't have , because I was breastfeeding. Um, I know I definitely didn't do the implant, implant on because that didn't work for me.

Uh, I, I must've gone on the pill anyway. I literally don't remember. Yep. And then the other thing was, I suppose something about you and your partner might think, especially if you, you know, you get, you start getting back into it and you have sex and maybe it's a slight uncomfortable or whatever, you might think, Oh my God, when will it get back to To normal or what it was like before kids or how will this be changed forever?

And my answer is it's probably going to change forever. Right? So if you expect that your, your love life, your sex routine, whatever, like how often and how, and all that stuff is going to be like exactly the same or what it was before you had kids, I'm going to burst your bubble and tell you most likely it's not.

And if it does, it's going to take. It's going to take more time than you think. It's probably going to take years, honestly, for it to get back to what it was. And, you know, I don't know. You got to think about what it was before. Like maybe you had sex once a week, maybe I'd six, four times a week. Who knows, but it's, it's going to take a lot of time and it might not ever get back to what it was.

And that doesn't mean that's a bad thing. It just means it's going to be different. Like, do you feel that you and Calvin. Went back to what it was before. No, no. Okay. No, I mean, you put aside like being tired, you also have to consider that there are kids in the house, so you can't, you know, have sex whenever it suits you.

You can't. You know, make the same noises. You can't, it's just, it's not going to be the same. Probably until the kids move out and then you probably have no libido by then because they'll move out when they're 45. But yes, no, I, it's, it does change and that to a point, it doesn't mean that it's bad. It just means sometimes that it just needs to be a little bit more pre planned or you go away more or there's just other ways.

That you have to work around it, whereas before you might have been a little bit more carefree. It's not going to be like that because you do have kids around. You're right. Yeah. So the spontaneity.

Spontaneity. of it, that element is pretty much gone for some time. Um, you know, if you're watching TV and it's probably going to be bluey or something, and you look over at your partner and you're like, let's go for it. Yeah. Nah, your kids are there as well on the couch, I'm sure. So you're not watching bluey just the two of you.

Great show. Great show. But, um, yeah, so that, that element of is definitely gone and it does, you know, you'll hear People saying this, but it does feel like you're scheduling time, you know, and then it might become a, like maybe whatever day is the day, the night that you, you do it or whatever it is. And I suppose it's just because you have kids and there's so many other things you're juggling in terms of pick up, drop off, they've got stuff on the weekend, you know, you're exhausted nighttime, all that stuff.

And then I suppose the focus. It has to shift a little bit in terms of when you do do it, trying to make it feel still special. I suppose, you know, there are going to be days where it's like, I don't know, I want to say like there are five steps and we do it and then wham, bam, thank you, you know, see you later.

Good night. But I suppose in terms of just like, Matt, I try to do this in regards to have like date nights have, um, Nights where like, we have nights where we just sit there and we just talk about whatever. And that's like, for me, that can be quite a turn on, right? Because the more emotionally connected I am to you, that helps for me anyways, right?

So we, we do day nights like that where we just like talk about stuff. And then we have maybe, um, like movie day nights. Or we have my sister babysitting and we might have an Airbnb away for the night, that kind of stuff. So we've been really trying to do that stuff this year and so Kenzo is six. Right? So in our sixth year after having that first child, that's where we're at right now.

And I would say that our sex life is not what it was before as well. Absolutely not. But I'm happy with it. Like, I'm still getting what I need and he's still getting what he needs. We just have to be really, really open and honest about it. Because Yeah. The kids are such a big factor. It's just, it's just how that's the reality.

That is the reality. Right. So yeah, there are nights where he'll like, you know, in the morning he messaged me like, what about tonight? I'm like, let's book it in babe, book it in. And then sometimes it doesn't happen. Cause I'm like, you know what? I'm exhausted. So. Yeah. Yeah. Even if it's booked in, you're like, nah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we try to make it a bit of a, like a game or something, but yeah. Yep. There's definitely pros and cons, you know, when you know that your time is limited or you know that, uh, let's say the kids are at, you know, in laws or your parents house or wherever they are, your sister's house. You know, you know that it is a little bit, sometimes a little bit more exciting because, you know, you're on the clock and it's like, okay, like, we've got this time now and let's make the most of it.

Whereas before you might have taken it for granted because you just had all the time in the world. So there's pros and cons. It's just a matter of evolving with what's happening in your life. at that point in time. So of course, when the kids get older and they go to sleepovers or not go to sleepovers or wherever they go, they go to camp or, you know, when they're older and you have more time or you're just going to be in a different place.

And. I don't want anyone to get scared by what we're saying and think that their whole life is going to be turned upside down. Yes, it gets turned upside down, but it's, it slowly evolves into something else. So just be mindful that it's not like, yes, okay, for that first period while you're healing and stuff, there's probably going to be no sex and that's fine.

But after that, it's going to slowly evolve into something different. And You know, when we're talking about, like, of course, there's kids in the house, so you're not going to be doing it everywhere and whatnot. When they're little and they're babies and they nap all the time, maybe you are. But then as they get older and they can come out of their own bed and now that our kids are six, of course, they can hear and they know what's going on.

And so it does change with the age of your child and with your family dynamic and all of that. So. It's just a matter of rolling with the punches, doing the best that you can do, making sure that your needs are met, your partner's needs are met, and talking about it, and still doing things together as a couple.

Because it's not only just about sex. Like, to your point, it is also about connection. It's about talking to them. How is their day? What's been going on? You know, do they feel loved in other ways? Because it isn't, like, Yes, us as women, we always think guys just think about sex, but it's not that as well.

They want to feel loved, they want to feel wanted, and sometimes it's a hug, sometimes it's a conversation, sometimes it's a nice gesture, depending on what their love language is. So, it isn't always about sex. So don't feel like that's the biggest thing keeping you and your partner together, because it's not, you just have a child together for heaven's sake.

So there's a lot going on in both your lives. And yes, sex is important, but that connection, I think is. Is, is up there because most of the time sex is just sex, but it's, you know, I'm going to sound really corny, but it's making love when you actually have a connection with your partner. Totally. We call it making love all the time.

I don't know. That's so lame. Is it lame? I don't know. It doesn't matter. We call it making love. That's right. Making love tonight. I'm like, yeah, sure. Hey, the other thing. All right. Making love then. We're having sex tonight. Cause it sounds like a chore when it's like, are we having sex? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. The other thing that I, that comes to mind is doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how often you're having sex. I'm having sex. Our friends are having sex. Doesn't matter at all. I think it's, I think it's great to talk to your friends about it. Like, you know, you have a mother's group and you develop some really great friendships.

There's stuff in your head that you have questions about, you know, and. You might want to validate how you're feeling, that kind of stuff, which we do. And it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing in that group. I think, take it on in terms of, oh, okay, you know, other people aren't having sexier than I am, or we aren't, and everyone else is, okay, cool, great.

Keep that stuff in mind, but it doesn't matter what they're doing, because at the end of the day, as we said so many times already, but It's what you, what you want to do. Are you ready for it? Do you want it? Do you need it? All that stuff. Right. So I don't know. Did you have that experience? I don't remember.

I think, um, actually I have had a few conversations with some friends that this, and I've been, I've been on both sides of it, whereas, yeah, I've been, I've been the one who, Totally have had sex way earlier than other people. And then there's been other friends I've spoken to like, Oh shit, God, you guys have been like getting it on quite a lot or whatever.

So it's, it's, there's always other people who are doing it differently to you. So don't take that. Don't, I don't know. Don't let that impact you in terms of if you're ready. It's good to know though, just for like a bit of a sense check, like where is everyone at? And you know, not that it's a competition or anything like that, if you are and other people aren't, it's all the other or vice versa.

It doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. It's just, it's just good to talk through your feelings. And if you're not, maybe you can have that conversation with your girlfriends and say, this is how I'm feeling and this is why we're not and yeah, just to vent a little bit, I guess as well. Um, and just get it off your chest if there is anything there, or if you're worried about getting pregnant again, if you did have, like I said, if you had a bad experience and you're worried about getting pregnant and you say to your friends, I'm not having sex because I don't want to get pregnant again and go through that again, then maybe they can talk about their contraception options with you and, you know, their experiences, you know, did their partner go and get the snip?

Did they, yeah, there's different things that you can talk about. So it's always, It's always good to just get that sense check, but don't ever feel like you're not with the crowd if you're doing something different to your friends, or mother's group, or siblings, or whoever, or what your parents did, or, yeah, because it's not one size fits all.

It's, it's very individual. Yep, absolutely. If there's one thing in life or, um, if I had a list of things in life that were not a competition, this would be absolutely on that list. There are other things. Yeah, sure. I'm competitive, but this is not on that list. Absolutely not. Um, Hey, so I think the last thing for this topic, and I think this is a good one.

If you, if you, You know, if your partner has just given birth and you would love to make love and you know your partner is physically okay, but they are not ready yet. How can they help speed up that journey? Right? So, right. So some things that come to mind, there are things that are not going to help. And things that will help, right?

Things that are not going to help. Let's list them out really quickly. Cause I can give you so many things. Do not pressure me. Do not ask me about it constantly. Let's not even mention it. Right. Um, don't talk about how other people are doing it. I don't care about how often other people are doing it. I don't care about, you don't, you don't need to talk to me about how horny you are or how, you know, your needs are.

I have needs too. It's okay. We don't need to talk about it. Right. I think, um, what else, what else is not going to help? Okay. Not pulling your weight, I think, with a baby, um, at home. If I've, if your partner is, if me, let's say, in this situation, I feel like I'm literally doing everything, I'm going to be pissed off with you.

Right? My Matthew knows this. And therefore, that does not equate to us making love. Just does not. So do you have anything to add in terms of things that will not help speed up that process? I think you covered it pretty well. I think in general, it's just nagging about it. That does not help. And that doesn't help even before you had kids nagging about sex or yeah.

To your point saying that so and so has sex twice a week, three times a week. That stuff is not sexy. It doesn't help. And it definitely doesn't help if you're not, you know, helping your partner so they can be well rested, they can feel a little bit like themselves, they can start feeling a little bit sexy.

If those things aren't done, then she's not going to be into it. So yeah, you nailed it. And then, yeah, thanks. And then things that are going to help, you know, just maybe speed up the process a little bit. And there's no guarantees here, but I'm just going to say from my personal experience, you know, if Matthew does ABCD, like, yeah, sure.

Maybe, maybe that's a bit more, you know, we've got to happen. I think the biggest thing for me is feeling like I don't need to. Manage and look after everything. I think it is so sexy to have a partner who really pulls their weight in terms of everything to do with the house and the kids, I think that is so sexy.

Right. And. And it doesn't have to be 50, 50, it could be however you split it, that you works for your partnership. Right. But if you can, if I come home, just going to throw a scenario out there, but you know, Matthew, if you're listening, he already knows about it anyways. But like, if I come home, house is clean and you've thought about what's happening for dinner.

And, you know, that what I need in terms of, Hey, you know, tomorrow night, why don't you go out for dinner with yourself? Or why don't you go have some drinks with your friend, Diana? Sure. I'm like, yeah, that works. Okay. So for me, like, like, you know, that's not the. Only scenario, but for me anyways, feeling like I don't have to take care of you and that I am in some way being taken care of and the kids are looked after.

You've thought about what to pack in those bags. You've thought about, you know, we have swimming tomorrow. That's already ready to go. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So that's now. I think in the time when we have a newborn, apply those things to a newborn situation. Right? So stay up too with me or, you know, let's you breast, not breastfeed, let's you, bottle feed.

You know, our kids at night, let me have some sleep. I don't know. Just make me feel like you're taking care of me and that you're thinking of me and you're putting me first, I think is really sexy. Yeah, I, I, I agree. And it's one of those things. It's kind of like the same as before having kids as well.

Like if you, it's, we've spoken about this before, so it's the mental load of everything that we are taking on.

For me, personally, if I have so much on my mind, that's when sex gets pushed down to the bottom of the list. Oh, absolutely. As for most women. Whereas for men, it's not. It's the other way around. Sex is generally always more the important thing, the top of, top of the list item, and then everything else kind of comes second hand.

And it's just, it's just the nature of it. Men versus women. And I am completely generalizing here. So when your husband, your partner takes those things off you, and you don't have to think about them, and you can trust that they're done, that then, Like, releases and leaves space for you to think about the other things, because you know, okay, I need to get up at 2am to breastfeed.

I need to, um, you know, then get up an hour later and change the diaper. I need to, like, you've got all these things in your mind that you need to do. If those things are done and you're well rested and you're fed and you feel a little bit more like yourself. So again, we're talking about, like, expediting that, that process a little bit.

If you're starting to feel more like yourself, well, guess what? Your libido is going to come back. Guess what? You're going to want to then start, your mind is, is empty of all those processes that you have to go through. Yeah. And then you face for it, which is what it is. That's a really good analogy. Yeah.

There's more room where you can be like, Oh, now feeling good. Like I went for a walk and I've had a good breakfast. And hello, how you doing kind of thing. So that's kind of how I see it. That's kind of how I feel that I think men partners generally don't realize that side of it. They just think, well, it's, you know.

kids are in bed, like, why aren't we having sex? It's like, well, because her mind hasn't stopped. Her mind is thinking that she has to get up in two hours and breastfeed. Her mind is thinking that she's then got to, you know, all the things that she has to do, do laundry in the morning. And just, you don't realize how much stuff goes on in our brain.

So if you can actually take. Even 50 percent of it, it will give us the space to think about the funner things because we don't want to be sitting there looking after you and the kids. That's not, that shouldn't be our job, our sole job. We are also people, we have needs, so. Just bear that in mind. Yeah. And we want to have fun too.

Correct. It's not like we don't. Yes. And really, really, really, really, really big caveat, all over, all over this stuff we've just said in terms of how do we expedite, how do we like help speed this up? Do not expect it. Do not do any of this stuff, expecting you're going to get laid because I'm sorry, that was like number one on my list of things to do to not get laid.

Right. Things to do to not, to make me not want to make love is expecting it. That is like massive. So. There needs to be no agenda. The only reason why you want to do all this stuff is because you love me and you want to support me and we're a team and you love your kids and you want to help, you know, support your kids.

That's, that's it, right? So just do not ask. After you've cleaned the house and you've packed whatever bags and lunches, whatever it is, when she walks into the room at night, bed, do not be like, Hey, you know, house is clean. Let's, let's do it. Ah, no. Get out. I'll be like, sorry. Cause we know, we know that you've just cleaned the house to get laid and then it just becomes a turn off.

Yeah. Yeah. We are aware that you cleaned the house. You don't need to remind us or tell us. We're not going to thank you for it. You live here too. You should be cleaning the house, not clean the house because you're getting it, going to get laid. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And don't like, obviously don't get upset if it doesn't happen because if you are going in without expectation, don't get upset if it doesn't don't get angry, don't get disappointed if it doesn't, because if you don't have that expectation, then you won't get upset.

So just. I don't have the expectation because she's, she's going through a lot, so just be patient. I read somewhere, and this is just the final last note to add to this, um, and I'm probably gonna get the words wrong of how they described it, but in terms of sexual arousal, men is what you classify as spontaneous.

They can get horny whenever. Whenever. Women is more reciprocal. We need other stuff usually for us to feel in the mood for us to want it for us to need it So, you know for me anyways, my love language is what you do. Like what are we gonna do? How do I show you I love you by what I'm doing for you, right?

And so know that and do that for me And in terms of the reciprocal factor of how women are generally programmed, it's in a response to something, you know, either it's a response to like, you know, this foreplay, or it's a response to you being so attentive to what I'm needing and how I'm feeling. It's in response to something.

I'm not just going to be like, roll over and go, Hey, let's go. Maybe, but not generally is the rule. Right? Yeah. Correct. All right. So, I think we've gotten everything off our chest, I certainly have. We um, we really hope that today's discussion on sex after birth has offered you our insights and reassurances that you're not alone in navigating the complexity of this very sensitive topic.

Um, remember, as we've always said, every journey is unique and it's important to take things at your own pace. Open communication and understanding with your partner can make all the difference during this time of transition. And you're going to have many, many, many more transitions. So please speak to your partner about what's going on.

We would love to hear your thoughts or experiences on today's topic. Feel free to connect with us on social media or drop us an email. If you've enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your family and friends. Thank you for tuning in to Milk and Madness.

This has been Dee and Nhi. Until next time, catch you later, friends. Bye!